Category: My Dog’s Butt

wednesday night i made my husband a roast chicken with green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy and homemade mac and cheese, because i cannot be stopped. then the night got started. first i saw Butt Fissure and Topical Meds. that was immediately followed by Frenzied Weiner. it really wore us out, so had some beer and took it easy for the rest of the night.

thursday morning i got up. darling husband had to work so i thought i would take it easy, but he called me into the bathroom at 7 in the freaking morning. turns out Butt Fissure was giving a command performance in my bathroom sink that could not be ignored. Topical Meds made another appearance, but they were completely consumed by Frenzied Weiner. darling husband went to work. i snuck into bed with Frenzied Weiner. sshh. that night we went to a free party at the Barrage, but it was too smoky for us born-again-non-smokers, or, in more common parlance, losers. we left. we were stunned to find Butt Fissure, Topical Meds and Frenzied Weiner waiting for us at home. we told them we were tired, that we had to get some rest because we’re old and our sciatica could start acting up if we didn’t sleep well, but they said it was a matter of life and death and we are suckers for hyperbole.

friday. st. pat’s. i come from the land of ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow. so, the big irish celebration at dog and duck was not so much my scene. the dude doing the leprechaun dance in red tap shoes barely distracted me from the painful memories of the wake-up call i got from my new least favorite triple threat. i did every thing i could to forget them: drank beer, smoked a plastic toy cigarette, went to dinner with miss belgium, but i was constantly disturbed by feeling that i needed to see Butt Fissure to feel like everything’s okay.

saturday. the day you half-heartedly drag yourself to shows you were really excited about. it is no different for darling husband and i. we try to put off the little private performances that have become so regular. ‘after dinner’ we say. ‘it won’t hurt if we start an hour late’ we say. but it does hurt. Frenzied Weiner is not relaxing. there is a disgusting joke i could make here about staring into two angry brown eyes just before bed, but i this week has aged me about a decade. i am too mature for jokes like that now.

sunday. a grey day to take the out of towners away. soon my days of partying will just be a memory, but the stains on my couch will last forever.

wanna help me steam clean? every thing in my house? and do you have a spare autoclave? that would be cool.

Here is a pic of the pooper. She has never been this still. It sucks.

Currently Playing:
The View, because I give up

This morning, just before I gave up on “Accomplishments” and started watching Ellen, I was reading Johnnysxsw’s sxsw blog. Two years ago I had the best sxsw ever. I was thinish and I kept ending up in the same room as Wayne Coyne and I went to bed just before dawn every day and we made up a new phrase for sucky performances (taking a Delpy) and my best friend made out with the dude from The Darkness in a portapotty. Best. Story. Ever.

Last year I worked and it was lame.

BUT, this year I am broke and I am not going to do anything. Instead of going to bed just before dawn, I wake up just before dawn, even though I don’t have to work. My dog hates me because I have to clean up the fissure on her butt twice a day. Instead of fantasizing about bumping into Wayne Coyne and finding out that talking to geniuses makes me a genius too, I fantasize about finding twenty bucks in the gutter. This is not a good time for me.

I fear that Darling Husband and I are settling in bourgeois “affluence.” (That blond on the view just transfixed me. She was telling everyone how to use the cell phone and flush the toilet without tipping off to your interlocutor that you are in a public restroom stall.) Affluence in quotes because we are broke. Do you know why we are broke right now? Because we paid bills. Not because I bought something kickass or because Rhett went nuts at the bar and bought a couple rounds or because we went out to dinner for two weeks strait. We are broke because we met our obligations.

Is there a way to do that without drifting into the ultimate tool lifestyle? Or should I just start paying attention to The View? Did you know that there is hot supermodel who says she is a virgin? The ladies on the view are split about her integrity.

My dog had an impacted anal gland. It exploded this morning, in the car, on the way to the vet. She will be okay, but she is currently wedged in the back of her crate, crying and smelling really bad.

We just spent all our money on her.

And I am recovering from shock. Exploding butt noises from dog crate plus doggy whimpers plus really bad smell, like if a penny could organically decompose (but not oxidation, smart ass) plus like 4 kinds of dog bodily fluid in abundance at the vet’s office equals one grossed out, fatigued, broke lovely wife.

I will NOT be posting pics.